If we’re going to help those in violent relationships, we need to understand their situations. But sometimes we shy away from stories of violence partners because the stories may seem so extreme, or so shocking, or so far from our own experiences. It may be hard to imagine how a loving relationship could deteriorate to the point of violence.
And yet, as we come to understand abusive relationships, we may see that the sources of violence are not so far from any of us. Violent incidents do not occur in a vacuum. Though each abusive relationship is unique, common patterns do occur.
The following example is a composite of many stories.
1. Courtship
She may be attracted to him because he seems strong, exciting or romantic. He may be attracted to her because she seems fragile and in need of protection, or because she seems glamorous and independent. They probably have a strong sexual attraction.
He may be jealous or possessive of her. She may find this flattering, believing his jealousy is a sign he really loves her.
Though either or both of them may appear confident, it’s likely that inside they are unsure of themselves. They may have low self-esteem. Either or both of them may have experience violence as a child. Almost certainly, being together makes them feel good.
2. Commitment
At some point they become a “couple.” They take on the traditional roles of boyfriend and girlfriend.
He expects her to be a “good girlfriend” who accommodates his needs and cares for him. She wants to be a “good girlfriend” – one who pleases her boyfriend. Though she may be assertive in other situations, in her relationship with him she slips into a more passive role, perhaps appreciating that she now has someone who cares about her.
He is dependent on her for emotional support, to create for him a loving environment, to make him feel masculine. She is dependent on him to take charge, to be the dominant one, to make her feel feminine. They meet each other’s needs for a while. Their mutual dependence draws them together, and they are probably happy with their relationship.
3. Tension
Things begin to go sour. There may be an external source of pressure – trouble at school or pressure at home.
She has a harder time anticipating what he wants. He feels cheated. He may believe that you have to keep women in line. He begins to attack her verbally with insults, put-downs, name-calling, and accusations. He may begin to check in on her, to control where she goes and who she sees. The mind games begin.
She is hurt and confused. She tries harder to please him, maybe special dates, maybe different make-up. The harder she tries, the less he respects her, the more he blames her, and the more she blames herself. They both believe her job is to please him. He is not pleased, so there must be something wrong with her.
As he becomes more critical and more oppressive, she becomes more passive and less sure of herself. She feels more guilty. The tension escalates
4. The first violent incident
During an argument, he hits her. They are both shocked
He begs forgiveness and promises it will never happen again. He doesn’t know what got into him: a bad grade or maybe a little too much to drink. She agrees with him. He wasn’t himself. Surely if he loved her he wouldn’t hit her, not really. It must be an isolated incident.
He is kind and loving, more loving than he has been for months. Once again they experience tenderness and passion, more intense in the wake of their violent emotions. The magic is back.
They do not discuss the incident. They do not want to believe it happened, so it didn’t. Why take a chance on spoiling their fragile harmony?
The intensity of their emotion, and their mutual denial, draw them closer, making them even more dependent on one another.
But a barrier has been broken.
5. It happens again… and again
Their emotional closeness begins to deteriorate. Tension begins to build again. The insults and accusations start’ she tries harder to anticipate his every whim.
Another explosive incident. This time they are not so shocked when he attacks her. Again he is contrite and loving. He says what she wants to hear. She wants it to be true, so she believes him. Again they feel closer for a while – another ‘honeymoon’ stage of tenderness and loving, entrapping them further.
The cycle repeats itself more frequently: tension build-up, violent explosion, and the honeymoon.
At this point, she probably does not consider herself an abused woman. The reality hurts too much to acknowledge, so she denies it. Instead, she feels guilty, tries to accommodate him (she can’t), tries to make the honeymoon stage last longer (it doesn’t). He does not consider himself an abusing boyfriend. After all, he loves her. She hasn’t required medical attention after the blows. He didn’t draw blood. He hasn’t really hurt her, just kept her in line.
They both make excuses for him: he has an unhappy home life, he’s under a lot of pressure, it’s only when he’s drinking. They both blame her: if she had been more understanding, if she hadn’t said the wrong thing, he would not have exploded. She should know better than to annoy him when he’s drinking.
They both maintain their cloak of silence. They don’t want anyone to know what goes on behind closed doors. Ironically, the worse the situation gets, the more they are cut off from other people, and the more dependent they are on each other.
6. The pattern is set
The cycle continues: tension, build-up, violent explosion, honeymoon. The violent incidents become more serious and the honeymoons are shorter.
By now their tenderness and affection happen only during the honeymoon periods – after a beating. But though once the tenderness made her believe he cared about her, now it may feel like another violation. And though once he kept her with promises (“It will never happen again”) now he may use threats (“I’ll kill myself if you leave me”).
Her anxiety and guilt turn to fear. She doesn’t know when the next attack will happen or why. Her self-esteem drops. She blames herself because she can’t control the situation; she feels helpless and powerless, ashamed and humiliated. She begins to believe maybe she deserves the assaults. Maybe if she could be a better girlfriend, he would not be so angry. But sometimes he is good to her after the beating; he really is a good guy; he really does love her. Maybe this time of emotional closeness will last.
One day she thinks, “He doesn’t hit me because he is drunk, he drinks for an excuse to hit me.” As a survival tactic, she may provoke fights, unconsciously wanting to speed up the cycle so they can get the violence over with. He accuses her of pushing him into violence. Sometimes she does – as a way to end the unbearable tension. Physical abuse may be easier to tolerate than the emotional and verbal abuse that precedes it. Outsiders may see that one or the other of them causes the violence. In reality, like the jailer and the prisoner, they are both locked in the cycle of violence.
7. Coming and Going
Something breaks the cloak of silence. Perhaps she needs medical attention, or friends and parents start questioning. Their violence now becomes public.
Now begins the most frustrating stage for those trying to help. Outsiders do not understand how seductive the cycle of violence is, or how powerful the couple’s bond to one another. Outsiders see only that he hits her and she goes back to him. Trying to help the couple may seem futile.
She cannot leave because she needs to believe in the times he is good to her, because she fears his threats, because she does not see any options. By now, she is a pulverized human being. She feels worthless, unlovable, humiliated. She does not believe she could make it on her own, or that she can escape the campaign of terror.
What is less obvious is that, even though he may blame her, beneath his aggressive exterior, he too feels worthless and unlovable. He cannot imagine being without her. He needs her emotional support, yet he is good to her only when he fears losing her. He does everything in his power to drive her away (verbal attacks, beating her, sexual assault,), and then everything in his power to get her back (“I’ll go for counseling, I’ll find you and kill you, I need you, I’ll never hit you again”).
Outsiders find it hard to understand that their need for each other is as powerful as their need to break away. They are trapped in their violent relationship. He is compelled to drive her away and win her back; she must leave and return. Most likely they will advance and retreat numerous times before they can change the cycle of violence.
If you or a friend are in an abusive relationship, you can call 604-270-7077 for FREE and CONFIDENTIAL youth counselling from CHIMO Crisis Services. If you need to talk to someone in a non-judgemental and confidential manner you can call the CRISIS LINE at 604-270-7070.
