Your friend has come to you for help. First, be flattered that you are considered a person who is trustworthy of dealing with this difficult situation. However, there are some things to consider while being a supportive friend to someone experiencing abuse.
Be supportive and willing to listen:
- Let your friend know that you believe what has been told – chances are, the situation is worse than is being let on.
- Encourage, but do not pressure, your friend to talk about the abuse. Allow your friend to say as little or as much as comfortable.
- Offer to accompany your friend to talk to the RCMP, employer, parents, community services etc. Your presence will help your friend be strong and feel supported.
- No matter how tempting it is to bad-mouth the abusive partner, stop yourself. Many people in abusive relationships want the abuse to stop, but for the relationship to continue.
- Support your friend’s emotions: fear, anger, hope, grief at the loss of a relationship, etc.
REMEMBER: You may be the only person your friend can trust. Be attentive, believe what is said, say that you care, and show that you are willing to help.
How to help:
- Reassure your friend that s/he did not cause the abuse. Someone who is violent learned to use violence as a way of expressing anger or frustration long before their relationship began.
- Tell your friend that s/he is not alone is this predicament. Abuse happens to people of all economic classes, educational levels, religious and ethnic groups.
- If your friend is not ready to make major changes at this moment, do not take away your friendship. Your support may allow your friend to act at a later date.
- Point out different options available to your friend, and help evaluate each one. Your role as a friend is to SUPPORT, not to rescue.
- Remember that there are no simple solutions but that change is possible. The most important thing is to make sure your friend is safe.
- Help with your friend’s self-esteem: Tell your friend what qualities you admire, ways in which s/he is valuable, and what strengths and special qualities s/he has.
REMEMBER: Decisions should be made by your friend, not by you. Your role is to be the best friend you can be, nothing more.
Take care of yourself:
- Helping a friend who is in an abusive relationship is often stressful and can be dangerous. You need to look after your own physical and emotional well-being.
- Don’t confront a friend’s abusive partner about the abuse. This will actually make it more difficult for you to see your friend and the partner could become violent towards you.
- Talk with other people about your feelings, fears, frustrations, and reactions to the abuse. You can do this without giving away your friend’s name or betraying your friend in any way.
REMEMBER: There are no simple, easy solutions for your friend. If you have a friend who is hurting do not ignore the abuse. You may be the one link that they have to a world without violence.
If you or a friend are in an abusive relationship, you can call 604-270-7077 for FREE and CONFIDENTIAL youth counselling from CHIMO Crisis Services. If you need to talk to someone in a non-judgemental and confidential manner you can call the CRISIS LINE at 604-270-7070.
